Been a long day, if you consider leaning back in my chain,
chain-smoking menthols and tossing back stiff ones. I wish
I was drinking to forget instead of being just bored.
West Ryder's my name. I'm a private dick. And a freelance
restaurant and beverage sniffer in my spare time. Hey, ya
gotta pay the bills. So here I am doing my best Humphrey
Bogart impression, waiting for some lonely long-legged dish
to come sauntering into my life with a bag of money, wanting
me to unravel a mystery so devious ol Phil Marlowe would be
envious. Or a local magazine looking for who sells the best
kung pao chicken. Whichever comes first.
As lady luck would have it, it wasn't Lauren Bacall. Lady
Luck has always been kind of a bitch to me. It was the
local Burger King GM. He had his crown all twisted cause of
the new adult sandwich at his arch-rival, the Arch Deluxe.
I was to find out if the Arch was really deluxe.
Well, I wasn't doing anything and I needed to pay my cable
bill. Hockey season had started and I need ESPN. So I was
This burger has been marketed to be "the" adult burger.
Kids would avoid this like a slug avoids cheap airfares to
Salt Lake City. The marketing had really built my
expectations up. An adult burger was the one my mom made:
big, nasty and on wonder bread. So Mickey Ds had a lot to live
I made my way to my client's arch nemisis to taste the arch
deluxe under the golden arches. Fumbling for my wallet, I
figured I'd need to prove I was an adult before purchase, I
mosied into the store. Walking to the front counter and
speaking in my most mature voice I said "I am an ADULT. Feed
me ADULT food!" and pointed at the number two. I got a
"Mister, for $5.50 an hour I don't need to deal with
smartasses like you," look. I also got my burger.
Packaging was nice. Aroma - good. Sesame seeds - sesame
seedee. Yup, this was the suspect. Looked pretty basic.
Tomato, Lettuce, Cheese. The funky bacon and special sauce
caught my attention. This could be good. Bad for my heart,
but real tasty. I jumped in.
Maybe it was the hangover. Maybe I was just hungry. Maybe
the cigs and macaroni and cheese and pistachio casseroles I
throw together have dulled my taste buds. But this thing
was damned good. Did I feel older? Was I more mature and
now ready to watch Dole and Clinton debate health care?
Nope, but I wasn't hungry anymore. Good enough.
So I had to go back to my client and tell him the bad news.
He had problems. A whopper of a problem. He needed to go
back and do some serious crisis management and change his
product before I visited his establishment.
So he knocked the price down to $.99 and gave away free
Mighty Duck Three cups. You can't beat that deal.
Signing off from sunny Sommerville.