May 28, 2000
Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians
are malevolently well informed about the United States. - John
I remember the outcry when the Canadian
Broadcasting Corporation decided to go all Canadian in mid-1998.
No American content whatsoever. That included "All My Children". "All My Children" is, or was, a big hit
in rural Saskatchewan.
Saskatchewan is in the Canadian midwest, roughly above Montana and/or
Middle-aged ladies and Saskatchewan mayors urged the Canadian public
to send faxes and letters to the CBC describing what a cultural wasteland
was going to result if they didn't get to find out who died carrying
what baby. CBC is often the only major station that the rural quotient
of our 11.5 million teevee sets (as of 1983) can
receive, so when it pulled American programming off the airwaves,
many Canadians no longer got any.
When asked what they did while the soaps weren't on, one Saskatchewan
mayor replied, "I went outside."
We all (yes, all 31 million of us, we all think alike and we all
know each other by first name, except Joe) figured
it was pretty funny when George "Dubya" "There ought to be limits to,
ah, to freedom" Bush earnestly thanked Canadian Prime Minister Jean Poutine
for his support. We were vaguely disgruntled in early 1995 when Disney
took over management of licensing agreements for the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police. We all claimed, in 1988, that we didn't want Free
Trade with the US but we gave a massive majority to Brian Mulroney
so that he could implement it.
That's Canada; nation of dichotomy. We elect our archons for ten years when we feel Eupatridic - or one year when we
feel Ephetaic. For 40 out of the last 50 years our prime minister
has been Quebec
born. Yet in 1995, when Quebec held its most recent sovereignty referendum, it
was defeated - 50.58% No to 49.4% Yes - with 93.5% voter turnout.
By the way, voter turnout for the 1996 US presidential election was
a mere 49%, or a little
less than one in two people.
Last time we went to war with America we
burned D.C. Most Canadians that I've discussed that incident with
have a quiet idea that, if we needed to, we could do it again. After
all, if Grand Fenwick
could capture the Q-bomb with nothing more than longbowmen and chain
mail.... Or was that a movie? Reality and fantasy blur so easily this
close to the US border.
It's hard to talk about how Canada relates to America without becoming
strident and defensive. America hangs over the balcony, big, flashy,
attractive, purring "Come up sometime and see me"
at our wallets. It's hard to resist, but it's hard to imagine a stable,
long-term relationship coming from Canadian surrender to that glamour.
Is America ready to settle down and take care of the kids? Or does
it just expect Canada to pay off the Bloomingdale's credit card, sit home
Saturday nights, and keep the lawn mowed?
What is it about the Canadian character that makes us so willing
to sacrifice our finest moments to America? Why is the country the
United Nations has put at the top of the charts
so many times even considering moving in with a country the UN ranks
as adequate, but strictly middle of the road? And, in the "Have
you stopped beating your wife?" category of questions, is it
coincidental that use of food banks in Canada has more than doubled
since we entered into Free Trade with the United States?
In short, what is it about being Canadian that makes us answer the
question "What is it to be Canadian?" with "Not having to be American"?
I'll be addressing this issue in columns to come, from the folly
of a united North American currency to Canada's role in UFO sightings
to why Canada is such a great place to live if you like to blow people
up. In the meantime, will somebody please let CNN know that the
first North Americans to celebrate the millennium were in Newfoundland,
then Atlantic Canada, not New York or Boston?